Comments for Divorced Kid

Comment on Home page by Anna

Anna — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 23:59:41 +0000

Dear Ashley,

So sorry to hear the courts are not supporting you. Unfortunately, I think this is very common. If you are on facebook, there are some very helpful support communities. https://www.facebook.com/pages/One-Moms-Battle/275190549199889, https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442…visits these sites…you will see that many are in your situation.

Don’t give up in your fight for your children’s emotional and physical safety!
Sending hugs and strength your way!
Anna

Comment on Home page by Ashly

Ashly — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 17:17:00 +0000

Dear Anna,

Thank you for your post. I am a child of divorced parents who is also a divorced parent as well. My parents divorced when I was three, had an amicable divorce and the first case of joint custody in our county. As an adult I too wanted to avoid the “broken home”, however had to leave my son’s father while pregnant because of physical and emotional abuse. Now the courts are forcing a shared custody situation that is both hard on my son and creates an impossible co-parenting situation with someone who cannot put his child first and takes any opportunity to continue abusing. I feel very strongly that forced shared custody in abusive situations allows the abuser to continue abusing often through the children and does not prioritize the children’s wellbeing. I am completely in agreement and supportive of your view that divorce is the only solution to domestic violence situations. If only the custody laws would also support the right to live abuse free after the divorce.

Ashly

Comment on Home page by Anna Henriksson Mazaheri

Anna Henriksson Mazaheri — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 02:00:56 +0000

I found your program very interesting and relevant. I certainly agree that divorce has a significant impact on children, mostly negative impacts. However, I want to share my experiences as a child of divorced parents, and as a divorced adult, because I feel my parents’ divorce affected me differently from the cases referenced in your program. I am sharing this because while it was briefly acknowledged that divorce in cases of abuse is necessary, the main message I received from the program is that divorce is extremely hurtful to the child. I agree that divorce is very painful for all parties involved, and most definitely so for the child. I think my parents’ divorced affected me significantly. I “lost” my mother and only saw her twice yearly after having her as the primary caregiver for the first 5 years of my life. As an adult, while not blaming my parents, I was deeply aware of the pain I had experienced as a child. As a result, I was determined to make my marriage work, at all costs. However, my marriage was to a man who was emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Those who are educated about the nature of abuse, know about the “cycle of abuse” . This can be simply described as a period following an abusive incident where the abuser is apologetic, the situation is normalized (often with promises of change, therapy etc), followed by a buildup of tension, and a repetition of the abuse, sometimes over weeks, sometimes over months, even years. To make a long story short, my determination to not have my children experience a “broken home” made me even more susceptible to promises of change. I am certain than my childhood history of divorce caused me to stay in an abusive marriage longer than if I had not had that background. I am now divorced, and am seeing the effects of having stayed in this abusive relationship on my teenage sons. My teenage sons mimic the abusive behaviors of my ex-husband, and I fear that they will continue a pattern of abuse in their future intimate relationships. I wish that I had understood that the effect this abusive marriage was far worse than that of a divorce on my children. I am writing this because I would very much suggest that the next time this program is aired, a very STRONG message be sent that in the case of abuse, divorce is the ONLY solution and is the best option for the children. Had I understood this earlier, my sons may not have to fight the battle of making better choices in the face of years of modeled abusive behaviors. Yes, divorce has a very significant impact on children, but in the cases where there is domestic violence in the family, it is the ONLY step to take to break the cycle of violence.

Comment on About by Anna Henriksson Mazaheri

Anna Henriksson Mazaheri — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 01:24:49 +0000

Comment on Home page by denise

denise — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 10:03:10 +0000

The best thing my parents did was get a divorce no more fighting yelling.and screaming I just wish my dad would five my mom more money so she doesn’t struggle so much and have to work like a dog! He makes way more than she does

Comment on Home page by John Clifford

John Clifford — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 19:45:33 +0000

Bravo! There is a painful irony in our society that as damaging as divorce can be, the divorce process itself is no sort of relationship health indicator. Some divorces are healthy, functional and the right progression for families. Conversely, a marriage can be in disrepair of the worst order and divorce is never part of the picture. And then there are children where marriage isn’t part of the equation and all of the above still applies. It’s about love rather than hate, forgiveness rather than blame, kindness instead of anger, etc.

Comment on Home page by Kris

Kris — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 18:49:44 +0000

I feel exactly the same way. Divorce for the children is a pain that lasts forever. I am 41, parents divorced when I was only 5 or 6, I don’t even know, I just remember that was the worst news I could have ever imagined, did not see my dad much after that day, and still when I do get a chance to see him, I realize that I am still not important to him. Nobody in his family, mom, or sister, especially understand why I don’t want to come visit them, which is many many miles away. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the disappointment and sadness that goes with it. Luckily, I have my own family now, and my children, especially, make me happier than anything ever has, and my husband has his issues, too, but at least we are together, and for now, my children are very happy. I thank God for them every day. My mother, by the way, also makes it clear that the children she had with my stepfather are more important to her than I am. So, basically, I know that both parents moved on, and left me, when they divorced. They occasionally tell me they care, but I just have to accept that I am from the past; It’s just matter of fact; Get over, kid. In addition, when I was still in school, my mom took me out of the school I had always gone to since kindergarden, which was in the South, and moved me to the Northeast, where my stepdad’s family was. For a while, my stepdad’s family welcomed me, but once I started dating, they basically dis-owned me, too, so I really felt alone. I then got a job, put myself through college, moved in with my boyfriend, got married, bought a house, lost some twins before they were born, had 2 beautiful children, and then got real depressed when my boss got mean, but now have a much better boss, thank god, and things are finally going well, for the most part. My husband, at times, is difficult to deal with, but he definitely wants us to be together, so I do not get so depressed, but at times, I am still sad. I love my mom, but it’s the occasional comments that show her other children are more important that I am to her that hurt, and are a constant source of pain for me that is more than I should have to deal with at this age. I would almost rather move away from her, too, but my husband does not want to move, and neither do my children. I am now to the point where I will not call my mom and ask her to do anything with us, because it is too painful when she tells me she would rather be with my brother or sister.

Comment on Perfecting Divorce by Angie

Angie — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 20:18:56 +0000

Hi, I was hoping you could help me find that Barney song you refer to. I am the Coordinator for a divorce class for children in my county. I think the 6-7 year old group would benefit from this song being played during the snack time. I can’t seem to find a downloadable audio of it…..thank you so much!

Comment on A Divorce Revolution by saving my marriage

saving my marriage — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 08:08:32 +0000

Thank you for these very interesting articles. My wife is a divorced kid from the seventies as well. Noe in her fourties, she still talks about it with hurt and dissapointment.

She is very determined to make our marriage a success and so far it is (we think anyway)

Comment on Home page by Aurora

Aurora — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 03:34:33 +0000

Thank you for this story. The most powerful part for me–besides hearing the 4th graders speaking in the divorce class–was the bit about, in a marriage, it’s the adults’ job to make sense of the two different worlds that come together to make a whole family; in a divorce, it remains for the children to perform that synthesis.
My parents divorced about 25 years ago. I was in the 4th grade. As an adult, I often have the eerie feeling that I am a family relic. Though my original family is extinct, I am still a product of it; does that make me obsolete? Older than my own parents somehow?
As you can probably tell, I’m still trying to make sense of my family.
It felt good to hear the kids in your story having a public place to talk about divorce. They need all the support they can get, and if they are afraid divorce is not a suitable topic for polite company, they are less likely to work through their feelings.